Correct me.

[servant]

So I wrote this on 4chan on whim, because I'm lulzstupid like that. I blame IRC.

Anyway, since I wrote it on whim and with little thought to grammar, I'd like someone to finecomb it and tell me where I misspelled, misgrammar'd or where I should've worded something better.

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I've always had a recluse, quiet lifestyle. I haven't many friends - partially to blame to myself, and I guess I partially blame everything around me as well. Somehow, it just feels as if just about everything in my life has gone wrong.

I'm a bit cynical, if you can't tell. I guess that's a good reason for many not to talk to me. They don't like my brooding pessimism, or maybe they don't like people that always look cross, as I seem to do.
It doesn't help that my mother is always at work. She divorced my father some years ago, I forget the exact date. Since, she's always worked most of each day, and as a result, I'm often home alone. Usually, I play some CDs and games before cleaning the kitchen and preparing dinner. Altogether a very boring life if you consider I do this everyday.

Eh? So what does a girl like me do outside the house, you ask? Not a lot, actually. The few friends I do have, like me, are a bit quiet and don't really hang out a lot. I say friends, but I guess they only come close to being friends, we're not really that tight-knit.

I wasn't really that happy. I've always loved reading books and playing games, and I've always dreamt of being in such tight friendships, or snazzy romances. I guess you can say I felt lonely.

Of course, I looked for the Perfect Love everyday, but that just isn't as easy as advertised. The perfect guy doesn't just walk up to you to say "Hi" and take you out on a date. Real life doesn't happen that way! ... But to be honest, maybe it's also because I spent most my time at home that I'd never experience that.

It was all a very off chance. It happened sudden when I was in the bus, commuting from school back home. Since it was pretty crowded, seats were hard to come by. But there was this boy sitting right across where I stood. The way he sat all huddled up, I kind of thought he was a loner, just like me. I guess you can say we share similarities, he and I. He had a book on his lap, and since I couldn't read the title that time, all I could do was wonder what he was reading. Curiously, I tried to look under the cover, even going so far as to crouch down.

That's when he noticed me. I'd pushed the girl next to me away a bit when I'd crouched down, and it'd caught his attention. He has black hair and black eyes, and at that time, a very heartwarming smile.

That's, I suppose, what you call love at first sight. It was the very first time in my life that I've felt a longing to reach out to someone. Even if it is something as simple as a meek "Hi".

If anything, I think that that one look is what started everything. They say love starts with something small - in my case, I guess you can say that that is true.

We exchanged glances at eachother, and my meek "Hi" was returned with an uneasy "Hey" in return. I asked him what book he was reading. In response, he leaned forward, shoving the book under my nose so that I could read it.

Perhaps a weird coincidence, but it was a book I'd read a few weeks before meeting him. It was a wonderful book, I found. An account of a woman who braved the hardships of life to be with her one true love.

I told him I'd read that book, and that's where it started off. Our conversation, that is. We exchanged a few words now and again, but when the bus stopped at his stop, the boy bade me goodbye and got off.

How I wished I'd see him again. I felt like our hearts had touched eachother. Cheesy, I know, but if life was like food, it'd be a cheeseburger.

I'd thought at that moment I'd never see him again. I'm cynical, remember. So to me, it was a small miracle I met him again and again. Each and every day I would find him in that bus, no matter at what time I boarded it.

Each day, we'd talk a little more. He'd tell me about himself, and I'd talk a little about myself. Of course, there wasn't a lot I had to tell - like I said, I was mostly at home, often, so I couldn't help but only talk of books, or games. Or of series I'd sometimes watch on the TV.

I felt I was wholly dull compared to him, even if his life story wasn't all that excitingly better than mine. He had a few friends, he'd told me, and every weekend they'd get together to do something. He never quite explained what 'something' was, and I didn't think to ask. How could I, when he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him?

My heart leapt! Though it was winter, all the chills in my body disappeared and I could feel the warmth rush to my cheeks! I must've looked at him in utter surprise, because he began to chuckle lightly, saying I looked very cute that way.
How could I resist? He was my prince! He was the one of my dreams! I knew at that time I was absolutely, totally, crazily in love.

We went to see that movie together. We went at night.

When we held hands there in the dark, I knew. I really knew.

From that night on, there were two less lonely people in this world.

[Akito]

I've always had a recluse, quiet lifestyle. I haven't many friends - partially to blame to myself (to blame IS myself), and I guess I partially blame everything around me as well. Somehow, it just feels as if just (Two 'just' in the same sentence sounds crap) about everything in my life has gone wrong.

I'm a bit cynical, if you can't tell. I guess that's a good reason for many not to talk to me. They don't like my brooding pessimism, or maybe they don't like people that always look cross, as I seem to do. (Should be a single paragraph) It doesn't help that my mother is always at work. She divorced my father some years ago, I forget the exact date. Since, she's always worked most of each day, and as a result, I'm often home alone. (Since she's always at work most of the day, as a result I'm often home alone.) Usually, I play some CDs and games before cleaning the kitchen and preparing dinner. Altogether a very boring life if you consider I do this everyday.

Eh? So what does a girl like me do outside the house, you ask? Not a lot, actually. The few friends I do have, like me, are a bit quiet and don't really hang out a lot. (The few friends I do have are like me; a bit quiet and no real interest in socializing) ( I say friends, but I guess they only come close to being friends, we're not really that tight-knit.)

I wasn't really that happy. I've always loved reading books and playing games, and I've always dreamt of being in such tight friendships, or snazzy romances. I guess you can say I felt lonely.

Of course, I looked for the Perfect Love everyday, but that just isn't as easy as advertised. The perfect guy doesn't just walk up to you to say "Hi" and take you out on a date. Real life doesn't happen that way! ... But to be honest, maybe it's also because I spent most my time at home that I'd never experience that.

It was all a very off chance. It happened sudden when I was in the bus, commuting from school back home. Since it was pretty crowded, seats were hard to come by. But there was this boy sitting right across where I stood. The way he sat all huddled up, I kind of thought he was a loner, just like me. I guess you can say we share similarities, he and I. He had a book on his lap, and since I couldn't read the title that time, all I could do was wonder what he was reading. Curiously, I tried to look under the cover, even going so far as to crouch down.

That's when he noticed me. I'd pushed the girl next to me away a bit when I'd crouched down, and it'd caught his attention. He has black hair and black eyes (He had black hair and black eyes - Don't change tenses), and at that time, a very heartwarming smile.

That's, I suppose, what you call love at first sight. It was the very first time in my life that I've felt a longing to reach out to someone. Even if it is something as simple as a meek "Hi".

If anything, I think that that one look is what started everything. They say love starts with something small - in my case, I guess you can say that that is true.

We exchanged glances at each other, and my meek "Hi" was returned with an uneasy "Hey" in return. I asked him what book he was reading. In response, he leaned forward, shoving the book under my nose so that I could read it.

Perhaps a weird coincidence, but it was a book I'd read a few weeks before meeting him. It was a wonderful book, I found. An account of a woman who braved the hardships of life to be with her one true love.

I told him I'd read that book, and that's where it started off. Our conversation, that is. We exchanged a few words now and again, but when the bus stopped at his stop (arrived at his stop), the boy bade me goodbye and got off.

How I wished I'd see him again. I felt like our hearts had touched each other. Cheesy, I know, but if life was like food, it'd be a cheeseburger.

I'd thought at that moment I'd never see him again. I'm cynical, remember. So to me, it was a small miracle I met him again and again. Each and every day I would find him in that bus, no matter at what time I boarded it.

Each day, we'd talk a little more. He'd tell me about himself, and I'd talk a little about myself. Of course, there wasn't a lot I had to tell - like I said, I was mostly at home, often, so (most at home, so) couldn't help but only talk of books, or games. Or of series I'd sometimes watch on the TV. (or games, or of a series I'd sometimes watch on the T.V.)

I felt I was wholly dull compared to him, even if his life story wasn't all that excitingly better than mine. He had a few friends, he'd told me, and every weekend they'd get together to do something. He never quite explained what 'something' was, and I didn't think to ask. How could I, when he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him?

My heart leapt! Though it was winter, all the chills in my body disappeared and I could feel the warmth rush to my cheeks! I must've looked at him in utter surprise, because he began to chuckle lightly, saying I looked very cute that way.
How could I resist? He was my prince! He was the one of my dreams! I knew at that time I was absolutely, totally, crazily in love.

We went to see that movie together. We went at night.

When we held hands there in the dark, I knew. I really knew.

From that night on, there were two less lonely people in this world.

~*~*~

Your wordplay is a bit basic, too basic to really instill any emotion. You stated the fact she was always alone and expected the audience to come up with sympathy for her automatically. That only works with extreme cases (i.e. child abuse); not when some kid is left home alone. Perhaps you could've used a metaphor? Compare her loneliness to that of stars? Or how the offspring of snakes might feel, abandoned by their mother? Or how baby turtles, left to dash from shore to sea in a cruel marathon that weeds out the weak?

The character's are a bit bland. I suppose you were going for realism, but nobody really wants to read about people they see everyday. Also, honestly, since it was in first person; a person's thoughts should be far more complex. The main character sounded more like a narrator sometimes, not THE PERSON THE EVENTS ARE HAPPENING TO due to her lack of introspection. Also, cynical? You keep saying that and yet, I didn't get that from the girl at all. She was just your everyday, conservative girl to me.

I love the concluding sentence, it somehow leaves a very deep impact in an otherwise mediocre piece of writing.

[servant]

Thanks for the corrections, I'll work 'em in, although I object

Since, she's always worked most of each day, and as a result, I'm often home alone. (Since she's always at work most of the day, as a result I'm often home alone.)

, because it should say "Since then".

As far as content goes...
I wasn't going for a poetic writing, unfortunately. Haha. I guess I should [go for that], given that she has a somewhat romantic personality. Unfortunately, as I often demonstrate in my post, I'm really no star at writing in a 'normal', 'casual' way, nor am I that swell at throwing the right amount of emotion into a writing. I guess most of what I wrote will be narrated, but I'll try to adjust, revise the story somewhat and re-submit it if I finish.
You weren't really supposed to feel sorry for the girl, or anything. The goal here is to make people think about not sitting inside their homes the entire day and go outside. Admittedly, this sentiment wasn't brought over properly.

I'll explain a bit more about the story, which might somewhat excuse its mediocrity, and explain the last line. The story is based off the song "Two Less Lonely People", a short challenge that spurred from DJing in IRC. We thought it a swell idea at the time, and tried to each write our own version of the story. (Note to everyone: We could do such a thing together sometime, too, just to see how everyone interprets a certain setting etc) Since the point was speed, the entire piece was written in no more than 20 minutes, and it didn't leave much time for revision of the first parts. That's why she's said to be cynical when this doesn't really show further on in the story, barring the one fleeting comment where she didn't expect to see him again. (which, frankly, isn't so much cynical as it is being reaistic, 'sfar as I'm concerned)

Again, I'll see how much I rehash and revise the story, then post it up again if I feel that it has been changed sufficiently enough that it'd actually recall emotion from others.

[Akito]

Both could work, depending on your intention. Heh, there's no need to try and justify yourself with me; I offered my suggestions, it's completely up to you what you make of it -nods-

[servant]

I'm excusing myself, or at least intended to do that. Stop raining on my parade!

[ophelia]

Hmm, I think this might have come out better if you had written in more of the things you knew. A little personal experience can go a long way. Because you're apparently a very amiable, out going person, it didn't seem like you understood your own character's motivation at all. And it reflects on the reader too. You wrote about what you thought a lonely girl would sound like. Not what a lonely girl IS like. So it sounds flat, and robotic (Like Bella from Twilight. XD). Especially when the main character is not even remotely physically described. She was like a mannequin. You tried so hard to get me to relate to this character that you turned her into a featureless doll. (Like Bella from twilight! XD) There is such a thing as too "main-stream".

That's why other authors often weave little bits of their own lives into the context of the plot. For example: You have really great taste in shoes! And obviously know a lot of juicy details about them. So your character could be like "I <3 shoes! Woah, look! A hot shoe designer! Or a boy with the same shoes as me! Love at last!" Because I mean…you never really gave a reason why Narrator A and Love Interest B were attracted to each other…XD Also you didn't say what kind of books they liked or what movie they went to see. Or even where they lived…>.> They could live on Moon-Base for all I know and you're character is just too obsessed with her shoes to notice. XD